Bull#@%!
And I know bull. I live in a place where bull balls are dipped in batter, deep fried, and served as Rocky Mountain Oysters at the annual Testicle Festival.
What doesn’t kill you merely makes you a survivor.
I have a chronic illness. I’m disabled by migraine. For a long time I denied my disease because I was embarrassed that I was so fragile. But migraine is a neurological disease, not a symptom of a weak constitution or a nervous condition. Once I started proactively managing my disease I gained a modicum of control over my life. What does that look like? It’s knowing when to compromise. It’s knowing when to tell the little voice in my head that tells me “I should . . . “ to pipe down because “Today I really shouldn’t.”
On my less than stellar days I’ll look out the window and see hawks circling or songbirds flitting. My first thought is “I should clean the bird bath and fill the bird feeder.” Instead, I’ve learned to appreciate that the birds don’t mind a little green in their water and the little guys are happy to peck around in the unpulled weeds below the feeder scrounging for dropped seed.
I sit in the shade of my porch and see my neighbor working her horses. “I should saddle Levi and do some trotting exercises.” Instead, I go out to the barn to apply fly spray and brush one of the boys so I can take a healthy dose of horse sweat aromatherapy back to the house.
I gaze at the lawn and know “I should mow before it gets even higher.” Instead, I pick up the day’s dog poop and give myself a “high five” because now I won’t have double doody tomorrow.
I view the awesome spectacle of mountains and clouds and blue sky in the distance and think “I should get my camera and do a photo shoot.” Instead, I mentally note the time of day, lighting conditions, and other details for a photo adventure on a better day.
While I lay like a lump on the sofa in my pajamas I say “I should really get up and take a shower.” Instead, on one of my many trips to the bathroom (frequent urination with migraine really is a thing) I wash my face and brush my teeth. “There, doesn’t that feel better? I promise not to put you through the ordeal of a shower unless you really want to face it later.” One skipped shower won’t create a personal hygiene emergency.
As I spiral down into a truly bad episode I know “I should make myself something to eat or I’m just going to get worse.” I could browse the internet for a healthy recipe to make use of the fresh produce in the refrigerator. Then chop and saute and create a mess I’ll have to clean up. Instead, I have a bowl of cereal. Hey, it’s better than half a bag of Mint Milanos. This requires getting up, walking to the kitchen, opening the cupboard for a bowl, pulling the heavy gallon of milk from the refrigerator, going to the pantry for the Cheerios, pouring the milk. Then I have to put it all back. Rinse out my bowl. Put it in the dishwasher. Exhausting!
As a sunbeam illuminates one of my dogs, I see the halo of dog hair fuzz around her head settle to the floor. “I should vacuum.” Instead, I invite her up on the couch and cuddle.
When I’m napping on the couch because chronic pain kept me from getting a restful night’s sleep and my Apple Watch pings me to let me know it’s “time to stand,” I think “I should take the dogs for a walk.” Instead, I unhook my nasty little judgmental technology (de)vice from my wrist and fling it, gently, to the coffee table before I roll over and pull the blanket up to my chin.
I have suffered from migraine for decades. It wasn’t until I qualified for disability that I had the time to truly listen to my body. I’m very analytical (and Type A All The Way) so it was natural that I studied every aspect of my disease and how it affected me. I’m also stubborn. I learned the hard way that succumbing to the “I shoulds” inevitably leads to a protracted period of bad days. That means that all the little things grow into big things that hover like a dark cloud. I also learned the hard way that toughing it out doesn’t always end well. With migraine brain fog I am just as likely to pour bird seed in the bird bath and spray the bird feeder with a high power hose. Sounds crazy, right? But that kind of crap happens all the time!
Take away? If you struggle with a chronic illness, give yourself permission to practice self-care. Set priorities, but also set limits and boundaries. Learn from my experience after spending tens of thousands of dollars on migraine treatments that don’t work because I blindly trusted every expert and didn’t ask enough questions. Run from anyone who tells you they can fix your migraines. Listen to your body and trust your intuition. Find a doctor who listens to you and who follows migraine best practices. Learn to manage your migraine in the best way for YOU. Everyone is different. By ignoring the “I shoulds” and developing a treatment plan in partnership with my doctor, on my good days I ride my horse or mow the lawn or weed the garden or play with the dogs or clean the house. Some days I really should and I do!