Log Entry #1: There is Evil at the bottom of my water bowl that I must uncover. I paw frantically, sometimes with all four paws, to no avail. I am hampered in my efforts by my Human who continues to fill the bowl with liquid. Does she think she can drown Evil? Silly Human. Evil cannot be vanquished by drowning. I will resume my efforts later, when the Human does not have her video recorder at hand.
Log Entry #2: The Big Dog is under the illusion that she is the boss of me. I find this amusing as I am skilled at subterfuge. Big Dog is not easily charmed, yet. For now I bide my time until I assert my rights as Top Dog.
Log Entry #3: The Old Red Dog has rebuffed my advances. At times he seems to invite play by running to his food bowl. Confusing. He avoids eye contact and seems remotely hostile to my existence. I am unafraid. He has no teeth.
Log Entry #4: There are two felines inhabiting our compound. Orange Nose Cat welcomed my advances and enjoys our rousing wrestling matches. She flicked her tail for my amusement but objected when I engaged. My feelings were hurt. Orange Nose Cat is a tease. But I still like her quite a lot. When I introduced myself to Black Nose Cat she got very big and made a noise that hurt my ears. Black Nose Cat is not any fun. She doesn’t even have a tail.
Log Entry #5: I have discovered a tasty delicacy I call Truffles. You have to snuffle in the gravel around the large horse machine parked by the barn to find them, but it’s worth it. The flavor is grain, grass, and horse butt. Such delicious nuggets!
Log Entry #6: I like shoes. That is all.
Log Entry #6 Update: I LOVE shoes. The Human puts them on her feet when we go outside, then takes them off when we go inside, then puts them on for outside, then off for inside. Sometimes she forgets to hide them from me. Oh, the chewiness. The crumbly little horse butt tasty bits on the bottom. I LOVE shoes even more than Big Girl Lamb Chop that lost its stuffing and squeaker.
Log Entry #7: Big Dog tells me to anticipate a visit from the Farrier. He leaves a buffet of deliciousness on the barn floor. The Human thinks she clears up all the tasty bits. BD says NOT to disabuse her of this belief. I must use stealth to retrieve each tasty bit and carry it to a secure location to savor. If I must barf, I should do so in a remote area when the Human is not looking. I anxiously await the coming of this Farrier. I think my charm is working on BD.
Log Entry #8: Fences are the funnest puzzles. So many choices: go under, go over, go through? My Human understands me. I am Aussie. I am Problem Solver. The Human keeps adding baling twine and wood scraps to make it even funner! Human is so attentive to me but she looks tired.
Log Entry #9: The Old Red Dog has finally succumbed to my charms. He gives me hugs but it is rather awkward because he sits on me and arches his back. I’m not convinced these are “good” touches.
Log Entry #10: I am sorry about that time liquid excrement shot out of my pucker hole in the middle of the night on the Male Human’s side of bed. I warned the Human that a fart was a message from Fort Gut to Fort Butt that General Turd was on the move.
Log Entry #11: The Human puts Rugs all over the hard floor. They are extremely effective at stopping a power slide. The edges are VERY tasty. Especially the one that my Human brought all the way from Morocco in 1992. It is handmade and has fringes! The Human forgot about the Rug rolled up under the bed in the guest room. It was hard work but I brought it out to her when she forgot to close the door. The Human was impressed but not grateful.
Log Entry #12: Orange Nose Cat is a two-timing hussy. I think she is ghosting me. Not a sniff, not a snuffle. Yesterday, I spied Orange Nose Cat slinking her fine, silky cat fur up against Old Red Dog. “Hey Mister <<purr>> gimme some sugar.” What?! I thought we had something special.
Log Entry #13: I met a new Human and was so excited stuff leaked out onto the floor. The Human moves very fast when that sort of thing happens. The Human checks her wrist to count her steps every day so I think she appreciates the motivation to increase her Activity.
Log Entry #14: The Human who made this house put chew sticks along the bottom of all the walls and around the doors. This brilliant Human must love dogs.
Log Entry #15: Pachelbel’s Canon in D was delicious, almost as yummy as worms. I only got a small taste of Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring and will have to report back at a later date if I can find it again. I am inhibited by a barrier around the big black music thing.
Log Entry #16: The Farrier visited yesterday! I only barfed once, at 1:16am. I tried to be discreet, per Big Dog’s instruction, but I was confined to this Cage thing the Human puts me in at bedtime.
Log Entry #17: I am mastering the Human’s language. “Come” and “Sit” are very tasty. This “Ouch” is confusing. I believe I have several names. In addition to “Phoebe” and “Bug,” I recognize “That’s Not a Chew Toy” and “Leave the Old Dog Alone.”
Log Entry #18: ONE minor excavation project and the Human insists on a bath.
Log Entry #19: The Human assumes I will just blindly “come” when offered a mere mystery meat morsel, sometimes just a fraction of a morsel. When I was just a kid I fell for that ruse. I am Aussie. I am smart. I will pretend I hear nothing and continue to snuffle for truffles.
Log Entry #20: The Human managed to catch me and shackle me with The Leash to go to School today. The teacher smells AMAZING! I think I love her more than Orange Nose Cat.
Log Entry #21: Every time I retrieve a pair of shoes (actually I prefer to enjoy one shoe at a time) the Human puts it immediately back in my closet. I suspect the Human is OCD. I think I’ll recommend she try a belly rub. They sure do settle me.
Log Entry #22: I hate to complain, but the Human does not refill my kiddy pool on a timely basis when I empty it. The Human calls it a water bowl.
Log Entry #23: This is confidential, but I pooped my pants in the car on the way to School. Drool dripped from my mouth. Very embarrassing but I scored lots of lap time the rest of the day.
Log Entry #24: As the new kid in the Pack, I believe I am being fed inferior vittles. I continually ask to eat the Big Dog’s chow, very insistently but politely of course, but am forever rebuffed. I wonder if I am malnourished?
Log Entry #25: Sometimes Big Dog acts like my mom and licks my face and ears. Like a spa day. Other times Big Dog does that arched back hugging thing right on my head and it just doesn’t seem right to me.
Log Entry #26: I poop on the floor and the Human steps in it once, maybe twice, ok three times, and you’d think the sky is falling. Old Red Dog drops a trail of turds from his pucker hole on the way to the door and the Human just picks it up and sprays stinky stuff. Sheesh. I did learn some new words that appear to be reserved for extreme situations.
Log Entry #27: The Human keeps the Son of Satan in a closet. SoS makes a very loud noise and tries to suck the fur right off my body! I try to disable SoS and frighten Him with my ferocious tone of voice. I suspect that Big Dog and Old Red Dog might have sold their souls to SoS because they are unaffected by his loud presence in my home.
Log Entry #28: I have been promoted to Apprentice Barn Chore Dog and awarded limited access to the horse stalls. Big Dog has full authority in the barn and unlimited access to the horse butt nuggets. BD tells me to be patient and my time will come. For now, I relish the delightful aroma that emanates from BD’s pucker hole after a morning of butt nuggets.
Log Entry #29: The Human keeps asking, “Where’s my left slipper, Bug?” I need more information, Human. Is that the one without the heel or the one without an insole?
Log Entry #30: Major discovery! If I chomp on Mr. Monkey, Moo Cow, and Weanie Squeakee just right, they sing a delightful soprano song. I can carry the melody all around the house!